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The infection has spread, millions have died, and phones are no longer working. We never know how a flesh-killing virus contributed to the extinction of functioning phones, but no worries. All we know is that there are four teenagers on their way to a beach where, according to them, the virus is absent. How do they know that the beach is free of the virus, since all forms of long-distance communication are down? Bloody teenagers, they think they know everything.
Do not be fooled, “Carriers” is more of a road trip than a post-apocalyptic thriller. Not much happens in its running time of eighty-four minutes. Our heroes live in a world that is dying, and they spend most of their time in the car, driving. (I noticed that, and correct me if I’m wrong, our teens occupy a Chevrolet. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this movie, it’s that in times of global epidemic, the “Chev” is the way to go.)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Carriers Movie Review | Local Movie Review
Eat Pray Love Quick Review | Local Movie Review
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“Eat Pray Love” invites us to follow a narcissistic, self-absorbed woman pleasure herself for nearly two and a half hours in three different countries. The movie’s first thirty minutes is composed of Liz Gilbert (Julia Roberts) complaining about the current state of her life; that’s a lot of minutes, considering there isn’t much of her life worth complaining about. So, she breaks up with her husband who loves her, starts an affair with an actor (who loves her), abandons him too, and flies to Italy to eat pasta.
Along the way, she meets lots of people. Funny how almost everyone in the movie is very much likeable, except her. And it is infuriating to watch her abandon and/or exploit some of these people to fulfill her own selfish ambition. “Eat Pray Love”, a movie about a woman named Liz Gilbert, is based on a novel of the same title. It is autobiographical, written by Liz Gilbert and about Liz Gilbert. LOL.
Hancock Movie Review | Local Movie Review
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“It’s a bum! No! It’s a drunk! Nope! It’s both! It’s Hancock!” This is the words that probably come out of the mouths of the citizens of Los Angeles whenever they get a glimpse of Mr. Hancock uncontrollably gliding in the air through the power of his hangover.
Hancock has the special abilities similar that of Superman, but has the same alcohol level of Captain Jack Sparrow. That can’t be good, and he causes millions of dollars worth of property damage every time he catches criminals. He has wrecked more than enough expensive stuff to put him away behind bars for a lifetime, and if Flying Under the Influence is an actual crime, he could spend an extra 50 lifetimes of his immortality in jail.
Resident Evil: Afterlife Movie Review | Local Movie Review
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“Resident Evil” is, so far, a 4-part movie franchise that’s four movies too many… so far. I hate this movie, and those who loved this will probably hate me for hating this. It’s complicated. So before I continue, let me get something out of the way. Those who enjoy big-budgeted, mindless, extremely mindless zombie movies will enjoy “Resident Evil: Afterlife.” And if you’re one of those people, I advise for you to stop reading this review by the end of this paragraph. End paragraph.
Here we go. Early narration tells us that the T-Virus has spread on a worldwide scale. Almost everyone’s a zombie. We also learn that the bastards responsible for making the T-Virus are still experimenting with it underground. We’re at the fourth installment, and I think it is time to revisit an observation made by Roger Ebert that questions the existence of the T-Virus, and this damn franchise. He ponders, “We never understand how Umbrella hopes to make money with a virus that kills everyone.”
Machete Movie Review | Local Movie Review
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Movie fans have not taken enough time to appreciate the importance of intestines in Hollywood. Aside from taking out our “trash”, intestines provide instant gore, are easy to manufacture, and are a lot more versatile than you think. “Machete” enforces this thought when the character of Danny Trejo (SPOILER) takes them long innards from a poor henchman to swing from one hospital floor to another, eluding capture. (END SPOILER)
The rest of “Machete” draws similar reactions one would release from seeing the scene described in the previous sentence. It is dumb and it is stupid, but it is aware of it. I’ve always believed that dumb movies can be enjoyed if it embraces its stupidity with wit, humor, and an awareness of an audience waiting to be entertained. If you think that the use of intestines as an escape route will appeal to you, then chances are, you will like this movie.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Winter's Bone Movie Review | Local Movie Review
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We are introduced to a family in the Ozark Mountains, a place disadvantaged of basic resources. The eldest child, 17-year-old Ree, is forced to take care of her incapacitated mother and her two younger siblings. Immediately, we see a woman conscious of the responsibility she has to take and the maturity she has to develop.
Jessup, her father, has skipped bail and if he doesn’t show up for court at a specific day, they will lose their home. Think about Ree. Think about the role she has to play in her family at an early age. Think about the punishment she and her family might suffer because of a crime that she never committed. Ree must find her father.
Hot Tub Time Machine Movie Review | Local Movie Review
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Literally. There is a hot tub that is also a time machine. As a product, it is genius. As a premise for a comedy, it has great potential. Here, four losers are accidentally sent to the 80’s and are in need for an escape, but not before they mess around with their past that could alter their future. The characters are lovable; I just wished they were doing more lovable things.
Many jokes and gags are in reference to the time difference, and most of them are very funny. (Prevent Miley Cyrus? Aha!) But unfortunately, even more jokes and gags are without any regard to its premise, and most of them are vulgar and unfunny. I do not hate this movie. It has laughs. I’m just sad it didn’t exploit all the comedy it could get from such a rare and legendary item: a hot tub that is also a time machine.
G-Force Movie Review | Local Movie Review
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Home appliances are about to cause global chaos, and highly trained guinea pigs are our only hope. Well, not really. We have the Marines, the Army, the Navy Seals, Home Depot, and much more. But this is a movie by Disney, so them guinea pigs will have to do for now.
Okay. What we’ve got here is a Disney movie with talking pets as the main characters. With that knowledge, we’re gonna need a chubby one for the cute factor, which is Hurley. A little romance is mandatory, which is made possible by Juarez. Of course, we need someone for the laughs. That is why Blaster is here. A team like this needs a leader, Darwin. And a movie like this needs fart jokes. At least two of them. No questions asked.
The Time Traveler's Wife movie Review | Local Movie Review
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Love holds no bounds, especially for Henry and Clare. You see, Henry is a time traveler. He can’t travel with any baggage, so he disappears and reappears in PG-13 nudity. Because of that, along with other complications, the two of them get married and are determined to adjust to problems that only their type of relationship can experience.
Apparently, they are not determined enough, and we are invited to witness the two argue and make up in repetitive misery and within the flawed function and logic of its time travel. Alternate titles for The “Time Traveler’s Wife” include: “The Time Traveler’s Ass”, “The Time Traveler’s Time Travelin’ Unborn Baby” or “The Time Traveler’s Secret Vasectomy.”
